an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
😆this is so true
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮