I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo