When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!