Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
every. time.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.