Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.