Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐