[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it