took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
#Caturday
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now