Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries