Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
the icebreaker