Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
sugar glider wrangler
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Huge, if true.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.