*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Match dot com, but for socks.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
sigh
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna