Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Haha! 😂
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
All generalizations are stupid.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.