this isn’t threatening at all
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.