My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
You Might Also Like
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
i’m sure it’s fine
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!