There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Probably my best painting.