Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.