Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree