not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Seems a bit forward
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops