My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
#milo
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I put the hot in psychotic.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.