Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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That time Alicia messaged me
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?