The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner