A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
the greatest twitter interaction
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.