[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
How to draw a duck
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.