Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
For anyone who needs this today
When you’re here for the treats.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat