I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY