having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”