I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …