I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
You Might Also Like
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I mean…but I did
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Choose your fighter
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.