Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
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Oceanography is all about current events
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
A flock of dads is called a grill.