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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
when someone rings the doorbell
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….