surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
what does he know…
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
peeping toms
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?