Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”