I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?