date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”