Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
You Might Also Like
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Stonehinge
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
This squirrel eats better than I do
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton