Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
being a writer on Twitter:
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake