My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Comparing yourself to others
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”