The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
BRO LMFAO
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t