I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Bring back the McRib
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.