If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
yes yes a thousand times yes!
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.