Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
How much for the goth pool noodles?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?