me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Nice try, NASA
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I beg your pardon?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
When you don’t understand how floors work
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From