Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: