i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
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my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!