*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
You Might Also Like
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”