If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Which wines pair best with gloating?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*launders Kohls cash*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.