Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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This is the coolest video you will see today.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.