Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
is this how new cars are made??
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Don’t forget to tip your server
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done