My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
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odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Truth
she has a point
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My life coach traded me.